Quotes: Garcia answers the phone

Garcia: Penelope’s house of “how may I save your ass today?”

Garcia: Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear truth.

Garcia: He who seeks the Queen of All Knowledge, speak and be recognized.

Reid: Garcia, we’re sending you some cigarettes.
Garcia: Why not a flesh-eating virus? It’ll be faster and far less painful.

Garcia: Je suis toujours ici pour toi, mon cher.
Morgan: Drives me crazy when you talk that “voulez coucher” stuff to me.

Morgan: Hey dollface, ready to work some magic for me?
Garcia: Challenge me, you beautiful behavioral analyst.

Garcia: Are you lonely in the Lone Star state? And are you wearing chaps?
Morgan: Only in your dreams, Garcia
Garcia: Oh, not necessarily. I have Photoshop.
…
Morgan: Garcia, I had better never find any Photoshopped pictures of me on your computer.
Garcia: Oh trust me, my vision, you will never FIND them.

Garcia: Your friendly neighborhood Oracle of all things knowable and unknowable at your service.

Morgan: Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I want to hear.
Garcia: You are a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder?
Morgan: How about something I don’t already know?
Garcia: (pregnant pause) I have a sweet tooth?

Garcia: Talk dirty to me.
Strauss: This is Section Chief Erin Strauss.
Garcia: (horrified and red-faced) Ma’am, I think it goes without saying that I was expecting it to be someone else.
Garcia: (later) FBI Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia speaking.

Morgan: Hey girl you’re on speaker. Behave.
Garcia: Or what, you’ll spank me?

Prentiss: I love you, Penelope Garcia.
Garcia: Get in line!

Garcia: Go, from Ms. Penelope Garcia.
JJ: Are you ready with the trap and trace?
Garcia: Peaches, this is the Office of Unmitigated Superiority. I am always ready. With the awesome power I have in this room, all I need is 15 seconds on the phone to nail this skeevy perv.
JJ: Fifteen seconds?
Garcia: If that.

Garcia: Office of Unfettered Omniscience. Penelope Garcia is in. Speak, oh fortunate one.
Elle: Garcia, it’s Elle. Can you get into the phone repair records in San Diego?
Garcia: Sunshine, I can run CentCom from here and still participate in simultaneous Tetris tournaments.

(Garcia calls Morgan’s cell)
Morgan: Yeah, Morgan.
Garcia: Isn’t this spooky?
Morgan: Isn’t what spooky?
Garcia: That right now you were thinking about me, and out of the blue your phone rings? And it’s me. Huh? How’s that for a spiritual connection?
Morgan: Umm… Do I know you?
Garcia: Why do you hurt me? (Morgan laughs)

Reid: Thanks Garcia.
Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome!
(Garcia hangs up)
Hotch: Remind me to have her drug tested.

Hotchner: You’re a genius.
Garcia: You’re just saying that ‘cause it’s true.

Rossi: She’s different.
Hotchner: You have no idea.

Hotch: Garcia.
Garcia: O Captain, my captain?

Garcia (in a stunningly sexy voice): Hey baby.
Morgan: Baby girl, we need to talk.
Garcia: PG or NC-17?
Morgan: You’re on speakerphone…
Garcia: I charge extra for groups.
…Gypsies?  As in Gypsies Tramps and Thieves?  Oh, bless you all for turning my life into a Cher song!

Garcia: You’ve reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI’s Office of Supreme Genius.
Morgan: Hey, it’s Morgan.  Need you to work me some magic here.  I got a program called Deadbolt Defense and a girl with only a couple of hours to live, so what do you know?
Garcia: Then you got a problem.  Deadbolt’s the number one password crack-resistant software out there.  You’re gonna have to get inside this guy’s head to get the password.
Morgan: I thought I was calling the Office of Supreme Genius.
Garcia: Well, gorgeous, you’ve been rerouted to the Office of Too Friggin’ Bad.
Morgan: Thanks anyway.

Garcia: I will make HIPAA my bitch, sir.

Garcia: Wish, you; command, me.

Garcia: Greetings, all – your herald bears tidings.
Morgan: Whatcha got, momma?