Quotes: Television

Anne of Avonlea – BBC

Anne: I can’t imagine what’s keeping them, Mrs. Lynde, but Davy will apologize as soon as he comes in.  I had a long talk with him last night, and told him that he must.
Mrs. Lynde: Well I hope you haven’t coached him, that’s all.
Anne: What do you mean?
Mrs. Lynde: I remember the time you apologized to me like it was yesterday.  And if Davy’s going in for that style of speech it’ll have to wait till tomorrow.  I have to be home in an hour.
Anne: Oh, there’s the gate – that must be them –
Marilla: Don’t prompt him, Anne.  See if he’ll do it of his own accord.
Dora: That woman’s here!  You’d better do it now!
Davy: Mrs. Lynde?
Mrs. Lynde (not looking at him, all dignity): Yes, Davy.
Davy: Anne said bossy people don’t like other people sayin’ they’re bossy.  So I’m sorry I said you was bossy.  And there’s another thing I might as well say sorry about now before somebody tells me to.
Anne (still recovering from the original apology): What’s that, Davy …
Davy: Sorry I been bleedin’ all over your dress.

Anne: Who did it, Davy?
Davy: Nobody.  Anyway, I hit him first.

(the class is discussing what they will do when they grow up)
Anne: Davy?
Davy: Pirate!

Davy: Marilla? Why didn’t you ever get married?
Marilla: Eh?
D: Why didn’t you ever get married?
M: ‘Spose because nobody ever asked me.
D: I’m surprised they didn’t. Well, I’d’a married you if I was grown up and you wasn’t as old as you are now.
M: On the whole, I reckon that’s a compliment, Davy, and I thank you for it.
D: Milty Boulter’s pa woulda married you too. He said so.
M: Fred Boulter said that?
D: Well, he didn’t say it – but that’s what he meant.
M: What did he say, exactly?
Well, it was when him and Milty came to get that creaky old bed you was sellin’. Milty’s pa said men need their heads seen to for leavin’ you on the shelf, ‘stead o’ leadin’ you to the altar.
Did he by any chance mention the nature of this mass insanity among menfolk that has resulted in me being left on the shelf?
‘Cause you make such a good plum cake! Best in the whole o’ Canada!

As Time Goes By

Judith: It’s what I do – placate.
Lionel: Better than spitting at pigeons, I suppose.

Waiter: Did we enjoy that, madame, sir?
Lionel: Compared to pushing a pea up Vesuvius with my nose, it was a delightful experience.

Alistair: Where’s Lionel been hiding you?
Jean: In a little rosewood pencil box.

Alistair: C’mon, Li, own up – where’ve you been hiding her?
Lionel: In a little rosewood pencil box.

Lionel: I’m prepared to swear on this book-
Jean: Lionel, that’s Winnie the Pooh!

Jean: God give me strength.
Lionel: I heard that.
I hope God heard that.

A drizzly day in Holland Park…

Jean: I don’t laugh at jokes in the morning.

Sandy: I’m only facetious on Fridays.

Alistair: Hey look, you dropped a carrot!
Jean: I didn’t drop it, I threw it at Lionel.

Jean: Il pleut.
Lionel: What?
Jean: I said “il pleut“.
Lionel: Oh, bon.
Jean: It’s not bon at all. It’s pleuring.

Jean: You don’t like babies, don’t you?
Lionel: Not when they’re young, no.

Lionel: I saw you, and I stopped breathing. I really did.
Jean: Aww.
Lionel: I started again, of course, or I would have died…

Jean: I wonder what this Mercury is like.
Lionel: I’m not sure I can bring myself to call anyone Mercury.
Jean: Could be worse. She could be called British Telecom.

Lionel: She seemed thoroughly nice.
Jean: Did she flop on the desk and cry “Why is my beauty such a curse?”

Babylon 5

This is the White Star Fleet.  Negative on surrender.  We will not stand down.
Who is this?  Identify yourself!
Who am I?  I am Susan Ivanova.  Commander.  Daughter of Andre and Sophie Ivanova.  I am the right hand of vengeance, and the boot that is gonna kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth.  I am death incarnate.  And the last living thing that you are … ever… going … to see.
God sent me.

This is Grumpy to Snow White.  I’ve got the coordinates  for the Wicked Queen’s castle.  We are in position – you can break the mirror any time you want…

Marcus: Ask you a question?  Assuming we live through this, what do you want to do when the war’s over?
Ivanova: Go home.  See St. Petersburg, Paris.  I want to visit my father’s grave.  I didn’t make it to the funeral. … I wanna walk outside.  I think the last time I looked up and saw sky was … six years ago?
M: Anyone special waiting for you back home?
I: No.  Not any more.  You?
M: Someone.  She doesn’t know yet.
That’s a strange way to pursue a relationship.
S’pose so.  Ah, I want this thing to go right.  I want it to be special.
Ahhh.  A romantic.  I don’t think I’ve felt that way since … the first time.
That’s what I’m talking about.
… You mean you don’t … You haven’t …
You’re a – ?
With anyone?
Never met the right person before.
(blink blink) Wow.  I thought the First Ones were rare.  Well, I hope she appreciates it.
So do I.  It’s … I’m picking something up.
A unicorn?

Barney Miller

 Does this thing take batteries?
Yamana: How would I know?
It’s made in Japan.
I’m not.

(a psychiatrist asks Yamana what he sees in an inkblot)
Yamana: An elephant wearing a hat.
(the psychiatrist turns the picture upside down and asks again)
Yamana: An elephant lying on his back, wearing a hat.

Mr. Schuster: I didn’t know Orientals had a sense of humor.
Yemana: Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.

Barney: Did you ever wonder why the sperm whale, which is the largest mammal on the face of the earth, has a throat about that size? (forms a circle with his thumb and fingers)
Chano: Yeah. You know, I always did wonder. Why is that?
Barney: Because that’s the way it is. And there ain’t anything you can do about it.

Kelly: Bony dia, Chayno!
Chano: Jose Feliciano!
Kelly: Er, pretty good thanks! … Hey, Wojohowicz! I got a great new Polack joke for ya!
Wojo: Wonderful. (sticks fingers in ears)
Kelly: Aw, you heard it, huh? Hey, Yamana – you better stay out of the sun, you’re starting to turn beige!
Yamana replies in irritated Japanese
Kelly: … Where’s Wilson and Harris?
Yamana: They got a day off. There’s a minstrel show in town.

Wojo: I can’t believe it – a whole shift of cops out with swine flu.
Harris (chuckling): Y’know, there’s a joke in there somewhere!  (Wojo glares at him) But not for this crowd.

Harris: There he was, kickin’ and growlin’ and clawin’ at the dirt.
Barney: Growling?  (there is a howl from downstairs) What the hell is that?
Harris: It’s Kopeckne, Barney – he’s a werewolf.
Yamana: I better put some papers down in the cage.

Kopeckne: I’m a werewolf, dammit!

K: Oh my God.  I’m starting to feel strange.
Y: You look fine. Don’t he look fine?
H: I don’t know.
Y: Why don’t you go take a look?
H: Not me.
K: It happens slowly – sometimes it’s hard to notice at first.
Y: T-t-take it easy!
K: I’m starting to itch!
Y (laughing nervously): Heh – that’s normal around here – we – (scratches chest with both hands)
K: All the hair on my legs is – – wriggling! (frantically scratches at one leg with the other foot)
Y: Don’t do that – it just – just – just aggravates it –
K (struggling out of jacket): I feel hot!  And my teeth hurt! And my tongue is sweating! (pants)
Y: Try not to talk!
K (hunched over, pacing a few steps back and forth): I gotta get outa here! I need air! Let me outa the cage!
H: Hey, look man, we can’t do that!
K: Let me outa the cage!
Y: H-how about some water?
K: I don’t want any water! I want to go home! I’m gonna get some sleep! And then I gotta go to worrrrrrk! (growls the last word)
Y: Barney!
K: Work! Work! Look, I gotta get outa here! I gotta get outa here! That phone call of mine – it was all a mistake! (Panting, tongue out, wild-eyed, waving hands) It was a joke! It was a joke!
H: Look, look, look, take it easy, man!
Harris leaves
K: Let me outa here! I wanna get out! Out! Out! (Climbs up on the bars)
Y: Down! Down! Down, Mr. Kopeckne! Down!
K: Out! Oooowwwwoooo!
Y (as K continues to howl): Barney!  Woo!  Wooo…
Barney comes in with Harris

Barney: What’s going on in here?! CUT THAT OUT! (K stops in midhowl) It’s a police station, not a horror movie!
Y: He was starting to change! I swear!
B: What do you mean, change?  Get down from there!
K jumps down
Y: Take a good look! Hair was growing out of his face!
B: It’s called a beard!  Haven’t you ever seen one before?
Y: Not in my family.

K: It’s the moon! It drives me crazy!
B: Something does it to all of us every once in a while.  For you, it’s the moon; with me – the accordian.

“Good Humor Man”: OK, here we go – no biting!
K: Don’t patronize me! I’m cursed, not stupid.

Dietrich: Go away – Beverly is busy.

Wojo: My old man didn’t believe in holidays … He thought they were slothful.  He used to say: ‘If the Lord can get up and move a rock, so can you!’

Dietrich: Have patience with the jealousies and petulances of actors, for their hour is their eternity.

Yamana: Whadd’ya say we go down to the beach and shoot some clams? … Anybody seen my legs? They’re about this long …
(holds up hands about two feet apart) … Barney, Barney, Barney – is your mother from Killarney? … Mooshi mooshi …

Beauty and the Beast

Vincent: This is where the wealthy and the powerful rule. It is her world…a world apart from mine. Her name…is Catherine. From the moment I saw her, she captured my heart with her beauty, her warmth, and her courage. I knew then, as I know now, she would change my life…forever.
Catherine Chandler: He comes from a secret place, far below the city streets, hiding his face from strangers, safe from hate and harm. He brought me there to save my life…and now, wherever I go, he is with me, in spirit. For we have a bond stronger than friendship or love. And although we cannot be together, we will never, ever be apart.

Mouse: Okay good, okay fine.

Vincent: Every year they ask for the same stories. By now they must know them better than you do.
Father: Well, you know, old stories are rather like old friends. Every once in a while, you have to drop in on them, just to see how they’re doing.

Being Human

Herrick: So, a werewolf, a ghost and a vampire decide to live like humans do. They get jobs, a house, and a TV license.

Josie: Oh right, I thought perhaps you were a wizard or something.
George: A wizard? That’s ridiculous.
Josie: Once you’ve dated a vampire you change your criteria for what’s ridiculous.

The Cape
Pilot: Tarot

Marty: “Pammy Pees – Hours of toilet training fun”…

Fleming: Do you think the raccoon acted alone?

Max: You give me your soul, Vincent Faraday, and I’ll make you the greatest circus act that’s ever lived.

Orwell: Why the getup?
Vince: It’s an unconventional war.

Max: Damn it, I thought that was it. Wasted that great speech.

Shop owner: You’re a superhero! What do they call you?
Vince (a little hesitantly):  The Cape.
Shop owner (disbelievingly): “The Cape”? Well, you’ll work on it.

Fleming: People in glass houses –
Vince: Get thrown out windows.

Orwell: What the HELL were you thinking?
Vince: Nice ride.

Portman: The Cape? You’re not wearing a cape.
Vince: I’m aware of that.
Portman: No offense.
Vince: None taken.

Max: Don’t ever forget who it is that’s wearing the cape.

The Cape: They say the cream always rises to the top, but in my experience it’s always the scum.


Beckett:  The next time you show up at a crime scene without me, I’ll show you how my taser works.
Castle: Promise?

Beckett: (Castle and Beckett in elevator at the police station) Six months.
Castle: Six months what?
Beckett: (about FBI agent Will Sorenson) We dated for six months.
Castle: I didn’t ask.
Beckett: Yeah, I know. You were not asking very loudly.
Castle: I know. I’m like a Jedi like that.

Beckett and Castle find the plastic surgeon’s office; she and Castle walk past a well-endowed woman; Castle stares
Beckett: Well, this must be the place. (clears throat) What is it with men and boobs, anyway?
Castle: Biological. We can’t help it.
Beckett: But doesn’t it bother you that they’re so obviously not real?
Castle: Santa’s not real. We still love opening his presents.

Vampire Weekend
(Castle enters the room, dressed as Mal from Firefly)
Alexis: Hey.
Castle: Hey… I was just trying on my Halloween costume.
Alexis: What exactly are you supposed to be?
Castle: Space cowboy.
Alexis: Okay … There are no cows in space.  Didn’t you wear that, like, five years ago?
Castle: So?
Alexis: So, don’t you think you should move on?
Castle: I like it.

Castle: Well, the pen is mightier than the sword, but a baseball bat can be pretty effective too.

Castle: Don’t ruin my story with your logic!

Castle: When he read your mind, did it … take him very long?
Castle: Didn’t think so.

Castle: Is this an accident? Or art?

Beckett: Alakazam, jackass.

Castle: The bubble bursts soon enough.
Beckett: Not if you’re in it with the right person.

Castle: It’s Beckett. …
Alexis: Pick it up, Dad.  A murder will make you feel better.


Chuck Versus the Intersect

Chuck: (after the super secret computer was downloaded into his head) Morgan, did you spike the punch?
Morgan: Something goes wrong, you blame me. After all these years, where’s the trust? (pause) Yes, I did.

Craig Kilborn

– part of his series “To [ ] With Love” – To Elijah Wood With Love (probably not quoted exactly; I scribbled down what I remembered. There was a lot more to it than this, as well.) Probably circa 2003.

“When I look into your eyes, all things seem possible. But then I can see your eyes from my house. They’re huge. … I see great things for you – but I’m sure you see much further than I do…”

Criminal Minds

The Slave of Duty

Rossi: Scars remind us where we’ve been.  They don’t have to dictate where we’re going.

Criminal Minds Suspect Behavior

Garcia: FYI, researching how long it takes victims to die is not my favorite hobby. I like knitting and making soup.


Sarah: Now I know why Doodles drank.

Grissom: We solve these cases regardless of race, color, creed, or bubblegum flavor!

Ray: Sometimes when God closes a door, Satan opens a window.

Drop Dead Diva

The F Word
Jane: Stacy – I don’t like celery.  I like sandwiches.  And I don’t want to go for a run when I come home from work because I am tired and my brain hurts.  And I never want to do a squat again.
Stacy (her voice wavery): I give up!  You want to stay like that, fine by me!
Jane: Do you have any idea what that feels like to me?
Stacy: You said you wanted Deb back!  I get it – she was gorgeous, and fun –
Jane: Stop it!
Stacy: I want Deb, I miss her!
Jane: I am still Deb!
Stacy: All I see is Jane.

Fred, of the dog: “Bones, 1979.”  So I’m guessing Bones is no longer with us.
Jane: Well, unless he died, pawed the return button on the computer, and you put his soul inside of a cat.

Jane: Recently I went to the Sun Bar, and I saw it through a fresh set of eyes.  No female employee was larger than a size four, and you know what?  I felt uncomfortable.  No wonder the owner is worried about profits – he’s promoting this narrow-minded view of “sexy”.  If the Sun Bar really wants to make money then maybe they should make all of us feel welcome.  At this point I would like to ask my friends in the gallery to please stand up.
Several women rise.
Defense: What’s going on?
Jane: (sweetly) Just making my closing, Councilor. All of these women are size 14: the average for a woman in America today.  However, based on the Sun Bar’s definition of sexy, none of those women would be hired.  That is wrong.  Do you know that Federal law protects us based on race, religion, sex, age, veteran status, disability, and national origin.  But what about size?  Well, San Francisco, Washington DC, and Santa Cruz have all passed laws outlawing discrimination based on weight.  And now you have the opportunity to extend that protection to Lucy.  Thank you.  (She turns and starts to head for her chair, and catches Parker’s eye.  And stops, and turns back with a little nervous giggle.) Wait – I’m not done yet.  Have you noticed that people have euphemisms for being overweight?  Large.  Plus-sized.  Full-figured and Reubenesque.  And no one – not even me – especially not me – wants to say the word “fat”.  But “fat” is only pejorative when we allow places like the Sun Bar to tell us that being fat somehow makes us less of a person.  Tell the Sun Bar that being fat is not cause for being fired.  Thank you.

Stacy: So tell her what you’re gonna do to them, you know, legally.
Jane: Legally?  I’m going to make them cry.

Grayson: There’s actually no “ph” in “fraud”.
Stacy: The “p” is silent. (duh!)

Stacy: Freud – was that the guy who was sleeping on our couch?
Jane: That was Fred.
Stacy: Oh.

Jane: Can a person have two soulmates?
Stacy: Maybe in Utah.


Jack: Tell me, Henry, you’re a scientist; do you believe in ghosts?
Henry: Well, I believe in energy. When somebody dies, that energy has to go somewhere. So, theoretically I suppose it’s possible.

Stark: Good job Carter. Wow, that didn’t even leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Jack : Give it a second.
Stark: Oh, there it is.

Vincent: If you’re gonna work here you need to be able to navigate the walk-in fridge
Zoe: Navigate? (Vincent opens the cooler door) Whoa! It’s like, Narnia.
Vincent: Ponchos are on the left, take the shuttle if you need food from the back.

SARAH: Stress is America’s number one health problem.
Jack: Aw, drop the act.
SARAH: Followed closely by sarcasm.

Family Ties

Jennifer: I know what Thanksgiving’s all about.  It’s about when the Pilgrims and the Indians ate together, and the Indians got stuck with the check.

Alex: Hey, Skippy, remember when we were kids and I accidentally ran over you with my bicycle?
Skippy: Yeah?
Alex: I drive a car now.

Niles: Her lips were saying no, but her eyes were saying ‘read my lips’.

Frasier: You know the expression, “Living well is the best revenge”?
Niles: It’s a wonderful expression. Just don’t know how true it is. Don’t see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. “Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well.”

Frasier: So, how do the calls look today?
Roz: Well, we’ve got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who’s afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.
Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday.

Frasier: Really? You’ve been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.

Niles: This traffic is murder. I’d suggest we walk home but I’m afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers. Does calfskin pucker?
Frasier: Yes, Niles! That’s why on humid farms, the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals!

Niles: Our home security system is down for repairs, and with no electric gates I’ll just feel safer if I’m packing heat.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven’s sake, Niles, you don’t even know how to pack a lunch.

Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist and I’m thinking of using it.

Frasier: So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!
Kate: No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll, Ivy League, “look at me, I’ve got a thesaurus” kind of way!

Martin: You listen to Bulldog’s program?
Niles: Yes, Dad, I can’t sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.

Frasier: Oh, good for you. Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive called for you a little earlier.
Daphne: Clive?
Frasier: Mmm-hmm.
Daphne: Did he sound British?
Frasier: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives!

[Roz suggests a blind date for Frasier]
Frasier: Ooh, oh Roz. Do you hear that?
Roz: What?
Frasier: If you listen very carefully you can actually hear my skin crawling!

Kids: Trick or treat!
Niles: How did you get past the doorman?

Frasier: That’s crazy!
Niles: It may be, but I’m afraid the truth would crush her.
Frasier: Oh, please! All the wine presses in Bordeaux wouldn’t crush that woman.

Frasier: Have you any idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

Bebe: Niles, thank God you’re here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
Niles: She’s the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

Daphne: Roz, is everything all right?
Roz: Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.|
Frasier: No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
Roz: No, I look like Divine.

Frasier: (responding to a caller) Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.

As a wise woman once wrote, “No cookie jar is up too high for a panda who will try and try.”

Frasier: (on the phone with his son) Now calm down, son, listen to daddy. It’s just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That’s a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now.

Daphne: I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side.  (Looking at the napkin Niles is holding) Is that a little swan you just made?
Niles: No, it was a B-52.

(Looking through a box of keepsakes from Niles’ childhood)
Martin: Oh, no one around here draws pictures anymore. (Looks closely) What the heck is this, anyway?
Niles: Oh, that is an Egyptian battle scene from Aida. Look, that’s Radames, and that’s the jealous Amneris, and – (laughs) – oh, I misspelled Amonasro.  Ah, to be six again…

Roz: (talking about Bebe) It’s not like she worships the devil!
Frasier: She doesn’t have to worship the devil! He worships her!

Frasier: I’ve got news for you – Copernicus called: you are not the center of the universe!

Niles: The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Frasier: That is Eddie.
Martin: I call him “Eddie Spaghetti.”
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.

Martin: What about that room right across the hall from mine?
Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study – the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
Martin: Use the can like the rest of the world! You’ll adjust!

Bulldog: Oh, by the way doc, doc, I heard what you said to that kid who fantasizes about killing his parents? You know what I would have told him? Sports. You go out there, break some heads- That’ll turn him around.
Frasier: Yes. If only Jeffrey Dahmer had picked up a squash racquet.

Daphne: Well! Aren’t you a bobby dazzler?
Frasier: Well, I’ll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.

Niles: Dad, this is ludicrous. Why do you keep avoiding the doctor?
Martin: Because I feel fine. I’ll go to the doctor when I don’t feel fine. Besides, I don’t like Dr. Jennings. He’s got a model of a colon on his desk: he keeps his tongue depressors in it.

Roz: Because it’s impossible to put down. Just read the first paragraph. I guarantee you’ll be hooked.
Frasier (reading): “There are tangos that come flowing from the wine seas, from the rust of a hundred sunken ships. This is one of those dances.”
Roz: Well?
Frasier: There are books that make your stomach lurch and thrust your lunch ever upwards. This is one of those books!

Niles: This traffic is murder. I’d suggest we walk home but I’m afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers. Does calfskin pucker?
Frasier: Yes, Niles! That’s why on humid farms, the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals!

Daphne: Well, for someone who writes drivel, she’s awfully popular.
Frasier: Oh, really, fancy that. She tells everyone that they’re perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault. What do you know, they like it.
Daphne: There’s a lot more to it than that. You should try reading one of her books.
Frasier: Yes, well I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.

(Niles wants to borrow Martin’s gun.)
Niles: Our home security system is down for repairs, and with no electric gates I’ll just feel safer if I’m packing heat.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven’s sake, Niles, you don’t even know how to pack a lunch.

Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist and I’m thinking of using it.

Frasier: So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!

Kate: No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll, Ivy League, “look at me, I’ve got a thesaurus” kind of way!

Martin: You listen to Bulldog’s program?
Niles: Yes, Dad, I can’t sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.

Frasier: Oh, good for you. Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive called for you a little earlier.
Daphne: Clive?
Frasier: Mmm-hmm.
Daphne: Did he sound British?
Frasier: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives!

Frasier: It’s all right, Roz. It’s just the whole thing catapulted me back to high school. You know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an un-athletic, bookish sort.
Roz: Get out!

Kids: Trick or treat!
Niles: How did you get past the doorman?

Martin: Well, that’s what you get living in a big city: If it’s not the horns waking you up it’s someone writing an operetta about the Brownings.

Niles: Well, Daphne said you were depressed and here you are with your head in the oven.
Frasier: I was cleaning it, Niles. It’s electric.

Niles: What made you change your mind?
Daphne: My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked up at me and said “You’re the saddest bride I’ve ever seen.” I figured who was I kidding if I couldn’t fool a four-year-old with an eye patch?

Martin: Frasier, you said you wouldn’t do this!
Frasier: I say a lot of things.

Frasier: If they weren’t so shortsighted, they’d see that I’m doing this for their own good. It’s like correcting people’s grammar – I don’t do it to be popular.

Daphne: He’s turning my room into a library?
Martin: No, he made it very clear it was a “reading sanctuary.” A library implies sharing.

Martin: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Oh, come on, he didn’t seem gay to you?
Martin: That guy’s not gay! You know how you can tell? The muscles.
Niles: Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.

Niles: How could I have missed something so obvious?
Frasier: Well, it’s not so hard to believe. You were fifteen before you discovered there was a correlation between being beaten up every day and going to school in a Panama hat.

Niles: Frasier, what’s going on with you? You’re showing classic signs of depression.
Frasier: That’s because I’m depressed, you nit!

Frasier: Have you any idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

Daphne: I don’t see what’s so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
Frasier: You don’t understand. It’s not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I’m wrong, the world makes a little less sense.

Frasier (responding to a caller): Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.

(Eddie stares at Frasier)
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what’s bothering me too? Well, here’s a start, I’m talking to a dog, that bothers me. I’m another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I’m still single, that’s a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne’s not even here anymore, she’ll be married soon. That’s going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It’s going to be tough on me. It’s been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn’t been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that’s probably why I’ve been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she’s gone, I’ll probably be twice as lonely… Well, it’s quite a realization isn’t it?
(Eddie buries his head under the pillow)
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.

Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I’m listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I’m thirteen.
Frasier: Well, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I’m having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They’re always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that’s so?
Ethan: Probably because I’m smart. I have a 160 IQ. I’m in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn’t help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: …That’s it?
Frasier (surprised): Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan’s classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can’t stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.

(Looking through a box of keepsakes from Niles‘ childhood)

Martin: Oh, no one around here draws pictures anymore. (Looks closely) What the heck is this, anyway?
Niles: Oh, that is an Egyptian battle scene from Aida. Look, that’s Radames, and that’s the jealous Amneris, and – (laughs) Oh, I misspelled Amonasro. Ah, to be six again…

Gilmore Girls
Lorelai Gilmore: Honey, listen. I have been around a long time, okay? I wore leggings the last time they were trendy. I knew Tom Hanks when he was a Bosom Buddy. I have lived and I have learned.

Kim: You’re ignoring me.
Miss Patty: Since you were old enough to walk.

Lorelai: Yeah, I’m not feeling so good.  My leg is haunted.

Kirk: Other than that and the dyspeptic parrot problem, everything is fine.

Michel: I am doing nothing.  Ben [the mouse] however has dropped dead from laughter.

Rory: Paris will be ruling the world.  I will be holding the keys.

Yeah – cuz my current karma is so great in that area that I can afford  to jinx it with that kind of a lie!

Rory: Sarcasm does not become you.
Lane: Maybe not, but it does sustain me.

Lorelai: I hate admitting it, because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but – I really want it.

Luke: They told me I was crazy.  They told me I was insane.  They told me to start writing letters to Jodie Foster.

KYLE: Oh, oh, and the part where Gimli the Dwarf is riding his horse, then Legolas grabs the front straps and swings himself up on top of it.
RICK: Dude, dude, that was awesome!
KYLE: Oh, oh, and at the end when the tree is on fire and then he puts himself out in the flood. Oh!

Jess goes looking for his father, and ends up hip deep in dogs.
(dog starts barking)
JESS: Jess Marian –
SASHA: Frodo, back off now! I’m sorry, what were you saying? … I’m Sasha. This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis and Spot. Jimmy’s not here right now.

The Hobbit, the Sofa and Digger Stiles

LORELAI: [answers phone] They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I have to spend my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson’s Lord of the Rings party.

[Lorelai is talking to a little boy]
LORELAI: No, seriously, give me the ring.
ROGER: No way.
LORELAI: Five bucks.
LORELAI: Just let me hold it.
ROGER: Forget it.
LORELAI: Come on, I promise I’ll give it right back, my precious. I mean, Roger.
ROGER: You’re crazy.
LORELAI: What? You’re the one with the pointy ears, my friend.
[A woman walks two more boys over to Lorelai]
HELEN: Here we go. I’d like you to meet Redmond and Riley James.
LORELAI: Redmond, Riley, nice to meet you. I’m Julie, your cruise director. I’m here to help you with your costumes.
REDMOND: I want to be Legolas.
RILEY: I want to be Gimli.
REDMOND: I want to be Gimli, too.
LORELAI: Okay, two Gimlis coming up.
BOY: Lorelai, my hood is loose!
REDMOND: Her name is Julie, stupid.
BOY: No, it’s not, retard!
LORELAI: Hey, hey, hey.
RILEY: She just told us her name was Julie. She’s our cruise director.
BOY: What’s a cruise director?
REDMOND: I don’t know, but you fart with your face.
LORELAI: Hey, love, guys. Love, okay? Lord of the Rings is all about the love.
BOY: Nuh uh, it’s about the destruction of all mankind.
LORELAI: And who doesn’t love that? You’re fixed. Go play – lovingly.
HELEN: Lorelai, some of the kids are asking for swords. Did you bring swords?
LORELAI: Oh, no, I didn’t.
HELEN: Oh, thank God. Oh, the Raymonds – I forgot we made up. Will you excuse me?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
[A little girl walks up to her]
GIRL: Riley said only boy hobbits can travel to Mount Doom. Is that true?
LORELAI: In the movie, only boy hobbits travel to Mount Doom, but that’s only because the girls went to do something even more dangerous.
GIRL: What?
LORELAI: Have you ever heard of a Brazilian bikini wax?
SOOKIE: [calls from across the yard] Lorelai!
LORELAI: Oh, great, you’re here.
GIRL: So girls go on adventures, too?
LORELAI: And they go in heels.
GIRL: Good.
SOOKIE: Are Rawley and Cheech here?
LORELAI: Yup, they’ve been chopping away for an hour.
SOOKIE: Perfect. Wow, there is a full house, isn’t there? You have enough costumes?
LORELAI: We’re good – the screen’s up, the tables are set, and four kids are crying, so we’re right on schedule.
SOOKIE: Well, I better get in the kitchen.
LORELAI: All right, because it’s coming up on elevenses and the hobbits are hungry, right?
KIDS: Right!
SOOKIE: I’m going, I’m going.
MAN: Hey, who wants a sword?

PARIS: I’ll tell you my problem, Andre. Last time you sat on our couch, your mesomorphic frame carved a four-foot crater in it. I felt like I was sitting in a bucket.
JANET: You’re so full of it, Paris.
PARIS: Kids were skateboarding up and down it. Gandalf the Grey is still falling down it. It was a big hole.
ANDRE: [to Janet] What does mesomorphic mean?
PARIS: It means you’ve got a fat ass, pal.

(Luke and Lorelai relax on the couch. Luke is nearly asleep. Lorelai flips through channels on the T.V.)
LORELAI: Does it seem like Frodo is on every fricking channel to you, or is it just me?

(Luke stares at Zach. Zach un-crumples some bills and places them on the table.)
Zach: That’s all I’ve got, man.
(Luke glares and heads back to the counter.)
Zach (to Lane): His eyes. Red, like the fires of Mordor.
Lane: Go, go. I’ll see you later, and keep low!

Lorelai: Oh, I can’t stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words-putting-into-sentence-doing.

Brittany: I’m pretty sure my cat’s been reading my diary.

Brittany: Does he mean, like, a burglar alarm?

Kurt: I have exactly the same vocal range as 16th century castrato Orlando Di Lasso.  But do you know what he didn’t have? (beat) A song by Miss Whitney Houston in his back pocket.

Harry’s Law

What are you doing?
Harry: It’s possible I’ve lost my mind.  The good news is I can still practice law as a lunatic, perhaps more effectively.

Harry: You’re on dead rat duty.  Alert PETA.

Harry: Do you have a name, or do people simply refer to you with adjectives?

House of Elliot
Evangeline: Breakfast? No, I couldn’t. I feel as though my chest is full of fluttering birds.
Beatrice: Well, don’t they deserve some toast?

Category: Exotic cars
Good with pasta and sauce every Sunday in New Jersey

Category: periodic table
Opposite of myranium

Category: unusual names of pets
Drew: My stripper name
(also Baby Dill)

Category: Cities in Spain
Where would I rather be than standing beside Tony

Category: Places far far away
The opposite of mycraine
What did tarzan say to a crane?

Category: Items found in an arcade
What happens if you stand too long on the slopes?

Category: Odd Italian names
Who makes the best Lamborghini?
What comes after Louis H?
No i think that would be …
You really are from New Jersey
What kind of board do Italians use to contact the dead?

Category: SAT words
A lot of religious – what do you carry it in?
What doesn’t rhyme with pudding?

Category: Unusual names of towns in Ireland
If Ireland sinks what part will float?

Category: scientific names for body parts
The opposite of myvala

Joan of Arcadia
God: Do you know what grace is, Joan?
Joan: Yeah! Pissed off!

God: Do you know the meaning of grace?  It’s a touch of truth that let’s you see the world in a new way.  It’s a gift that can only be felt when you are open enough to accept it.

Luke: The only interesting thing about basketball is how time and space combine to create a phenomenon known as “Luke’s departure”.

Helen, reading Adam’s mother’s letter: “Dearest boy, my Adam. I dreamed a dream, you and I facing each other in a tiny yellow boat on green water under a blue sky. Me and my son and a yellow boat. And we laugh, and the boat rocks and the ripples spread from the boat to pond to sea to sky and nothing can stop them, and nothing ever will. When you think of me, Adam, know that in a world of pain, you were, and always will be my joy. Love, Mom.”

Joan: It’ll be like being in some Russian goulash.
God: GulaG.

Helen: Then I thought maybe I should just free them of form and have them open their paints and just fling them at the canvas like Pollack.
Luke: Like kindergarten.

Mr. Girardi to Joan: You don’t have to do anything alone.

Joan (to Ramsey): Don’t think of it as dancing.  Pretend you’re on fire or something.

Grace: It’s the one advantage to being universally despised: you get to say whatever you want.

Luke: No one ever listens to me, and yet I talk.

Joan: You are not real!
God: So people keep telling me.

Joan: I’m ignoring you!
God: I’m used to it.

Joan: Were you being snippy to me?  (lets out a breath)  God is snippy.
God: If I seem snippy to you, it’s because you understand snippy.

Will: (looking at an art piece) It’s a triangle attacking a circle? Well, maybe the circle’s rude.

Principal: And what career would you like to explore, Mr. Rove?
Adam: I wanna do something soulless and corporate, Mr. Price.
Principal: Good choice.

Friedman: Use the force, Luke.
Luke: Gee. That’s… that’s a new one.

Helen: Luke, one breakdown a year is all we can handle. You’ll have to wait.

God as a six-year-old girl: Love is big. It’s a bright light in the universe, and a bright light casts a big shadow.

Joan: You stole that!
God: Well, technically, everything’s mine.

Luke: Not here to spy. I’m not even in the science fair anymore.
Friedman: Why not?
Luke: FBI confiscated my project.  (Friedman laughs) I’m not joking.
Glynis: I always knew you had what it takes to contravene national security.

Grace: I’ll see you later. I’m going to go… run with scissors.

God: I’ve supplied everything you need for a perfect life.
Joan: Yeah, but You didn’t tell me where you hid it!

God: Y’know the twelve labors of Hercules?  … And how ’bout Psyche?
J: Well, I saw Hercules, but my parents wouldn’t let me see Psycho.

Luke: You know what?  I’m being a prodigious dunce right now.

Luke: As the great physicist Faraday once said, ‘Nothing is too wonderful to be true.’

Joan: So, my true nature is to be a catalyst?  That is mad anti-climatic.
God: Anti-climactic.  Anti-climatic means you’re against the weather.

Joan: Let’s… let’s say you’re God.
Cute Boy God: Joan, I am God.
Joan: Okay, well, let’s see a miracle.
God: Okay. How ’bout that?
indicates large nearby tree, and goes to stand beneath it
Joan: That’s a tree.
God: Let’s see you make one.

God (over a chess board): Move … (She touches one of the pieces and then changes her mind) No….
Joan: No?
God: It’s a rule called “touch move.”  Once you touch a piece, you have to move that piece.
Joan: I’m not allowed to change my mind?  What kind of universe is that?
God: Oh, you can change your mind, but you still have to play that piece. So you should think before you move.
Joan: Wait a minute, this is a metaphor… Yeah, I looked up “metaphor” and that’s definitely an example… Yep… took the bait.  So now I’m in the game.  How do I get out?
God: There are many ways to get out; surrender is one, losing is another. Winning, cheating, which I don’t recommend, but you have to do something. You have to have a strategy. See the number one rule in chess is this; whatever you do, don’t play the other person’s game. Play your own… Your move.

Kevin: So, I was in the “in” crowd.  I just got to see the jerks closer up.  Why do you think I spent so much time playing sports?  I didn’t like that social thing so much.  People were mean, it was boring.  I wanted to play my own game.
Joan: Oh my god!  Somebody just said that to me yesterday.  About chess.
Kevin: Well, it’s the basic rule of any sport.  Otherwise you’re always on the defensive posture, always reacting to the other guy.
Joan: You really weren’t happy in high school?  You really felt like a reject sometimes?
Kevin: Everybody does.  Even the ones who claim they don’t.  You– you are going to find some people who totally get what a non-repulsive, sub-defective you are.  Trust in yourself a little bit, you’ll figure it out.  And if you need me to roll over anyone, let me know.
Joan: Sub-defective.

Joan: What happened to her? (God doesn’t answer) Is that why she’s so weird about me dating?  (God doesn’t answer) How bad was it?
God: It was evil, and I don’t throw that word around.

Man with gun: Thirteen bucks?
Will: I’ve got a wife and kids.
Man with gun: Oh, that changes everything, wife and kids.  There’s a free pass for that one.
Will: I’m not begging for mercy, I’m explaining why I only have thirteen bucks in my wallet.

Joan: I don’t want to drive.  Why are you making me?
God: Most young people want to drive.  Why are you so hesitant?
Joan: Well, you know everything.  Why don’t you tell me?
God: Perhaps your mother is correct.  You’re afraid of hurting yourself and ending up like Kevin.
Joan: Yeah, maybe she’s right.
God: Balderdash!  You’ve always been a headstrong, brave child not overly concerned with your own well-being – a trait you inherited from your father.  What you fear is hurting someone else.  You fear that one instance of bad judgement might entail consequences.  Consequences like those…
Joan: Like Kevin?  That’s… that’s why I don’t want to drive.  I mean, isn’t that… isn’t that a pretty good reason?
God: Being an adult isn’t merely about risking your own well-being, it means risking others’ – in cars, in love, in family – hurting others is always a possibility.  That’s what’s difficult about being an adult: facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others even when you don’t want to.
Joan: Then it’s a flaw in the design, and who’s fault is that?
God: It might help if you think of the Universe as an obstacle course.  There’s no flaw in the design, it’s just –
Joan: Obstacles?
God: Time’s up.

God (after Joan refuses to talk to Him or even believe that He’s real): Don’t you miss me, just a little?
Joan (lying): No.
God: Don’t you miss yourself?

Painter God: Here’s what you need to know about the martyrs: they did it the hard way.

Book store owner: Joan, I have a Master’s degree in English Literature.  I could’ve done a number of things with my life.  (Joan gives him a look) At least three things, and I chose to open a bookstore because I believe in the power of knowledge which comes from books.

Kevin: She said I’d dance at my wedding.  That’s what she told me.  Then again, she said Joan has a special connection to the universe, so go figure.

Joan: Make Kevin walk, please?  I just ask this one favor and then I’ll never ask for one again.  It’s so easy for you.  All you have to do is snap your fingers or blink your eyes.  Just let Kevin stand up.
God: People ask me to do things – big things, little things – billions of times, every day.
Joan: What do you expect?  You’re God!
God: I put a lot of thought into the Universe; came up with the rules.  It sets a bad example if I break them – not to mention, shows favoritism.  Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else?  Can you imagine the confusion?  It’s better when we all abide by the rules.
Joan: No miracles?
God: Miracles happen within the rules.

Bringeth It On

cheerleader tryouts:
Joan: Well I can’t do any stunts.
No, No –
And how about the jumps?
So why am I here?
Well it’s really odd
But I’m here to cheer
On a mission from God.
So put me in the game
Or leave me on the bench
So you can go to heaven
And I’ll get out of French.

Go Eagles! Go Eagles!
Go, go, go Eagles!
We live to cheer,
we’re so sincere,
unless you get in trouble,
then we’re out of here.
It’s such a royal pain
when friend gets arrested.
How could I have known?
How could I have guessed it?
It’s not like she’s my sister,
(Whoops, is that my beeper)
and even if she was,
am I my sister’s keeper?
Sorry, got to go
tryouts are today
Tell them that we’ll think of her
Every time that we say
Go Eagles! Go Eagles!
Go, go, go Eagles!
My name is Joan,
this cheer is my own,
so kiss my feathers
’cause this bird has flown.

Keeping Up Appearances

Hyacinth: The Bouquet residence! The lady of the house speaking!  … It’s my sister, Violet! She’s the one with the Mercedes, sauna, and room for a pony!

… and the musical bidet!  … Classical, of course!

Onslow’s car: ’78 Ford Cortina

Emmett (in re Rose): The one with the friendly legs.

Mad Men
You are so profoundly sad.
No, it’s just my people are Nordic.

I heard the church was packed.
Those weren’t our guests.

Sal: So we’re supposed to believe that people are living one way, and secretly thinking the exact opposite? That’s ridiculous.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Lou Grant: I hate snow.
I don’t like its color.
I don’t like its shape.
I don’t like its temperature.
I don’t like how it feels or what it does.
I don’t like it in snowballs or on hills.  I don’t like anything about it. It’s a soft, wet, white, mushy, melting, freezing mess!
I hate snow as much as I hate anything in the entire world.

Come on in
Take off your skin
And rattle around in your bones!
– Hawkeye, Margaret, and Trapper

Patient: You’re a nice guy.
Radar: I used to get hit if I wasn’t.

Pierce: I’ll carry your books, I’ll carry a torch, I’ll carry a tune; I’ll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia. I’ll even hari kari if you show me how, but I will NOT carry a gun.

Major Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: I predict an early end to the war, if it doesn’t rain and we all get wet.

Major Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: “A picture’s worth a thousand words.”  – The dying utterance of George Armstrong Custer.

Radar: “What’s the matter with Hawkeye, Sir?”
Potter: “I dunno, Radar…”
Radar: “Gee. I thought he was doin’ okay fighting against the war.”
Potter: “You mean fighting the war, don’t you?”
Radar: “No. I mean the war against the war. You know, we all fight it. You fight it by, uh, painting and riding your horse and I fight it by working hard and taking care of my animals.”
Potter: “Yeah. That makes sense.”
Radar: “Yes sir, but Hawkeye’s really fought it. I mean, he’s made fun of it. He knew it was awful, but – but -but he never let it get him, he never backed down. They oughta give him a medal for the way he’s fought this war. The worse it got the more he joked about it.”
Potter: “And now the jokes aren’t working any more.”
Radar: “No sir, the other side’s winning.”
Potter: “It hasn’t won yet. Once upon a time a kid named David went up against a heavy favorite called Goliath and decked him.”
Radar: “Well, I know about that sir. But David wasn’t afraid to fall asleep at night.”

Klinger: “Colonel Potter, Sir! Corporal Klinger.  I’m section 8, head to toe. I’m wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother’s wedding gown.  I’m nuts. I should be out.”

Charles: “But know this: You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill. But you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.”

Frank: “Oh, I see the conference is in full swing.”
Sidney: “Hi, Frank. What’s new up on the Mount?”
Pak: “Read any good Commandments lately?”
Frank: “It’s against regulations to gamble with an enlisted man!”
Hawkeye: “You never enlisted, did ya, Klinger?”
Klinger: “When they came for me, I ran like a thief right into Grand Central Station. They trapped me in a pay toilet.”
Trapper: “Beautiful.”
Klinger: “Cost them four dollars in nickels to get me out.”
Hawkeye: “I love a volunteer.”
Klinger: “You know, during the physical they jabbed me with a coat hanger to get me to cough!”

Margaret: “Did you ever show me any kind of friendship? Ask my help with a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine what it feels like to…to walk by this tent and hear you laughing and know I’m not welcome? Did you ever once ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?”

Mulcahy: “Sis and I picked up these apples from under the tree. I remember I said, ‘You can’t make a pie out of crabapples.’ And she said, ‘I learned how in the Girl Scouts.’
Hawkeye: “He’ll be alright. He’s just a little dazed.”
Mulcahy: “She used brown sugar and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well it was so good we ate it all before dinner. ”
Hawkeye: “Get him back to his tent, let him rest.”
Mulcahy: “Mommy came into the kitchen and said, ‘What the hell’s going on in here?’ [To Klinger] I remember, Mommy. You know that was the first time I ever heard you swear.”

Sidney: “You’re a tribute to man’s endurance, a monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out some day. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.”

Hawkeye: “You take 11 string beans, 1 onion, half a radish and 4 bananas.”
Trapper: “Ya mix it all up and you … uh … and you let it soak for 6 weeks.”
Hawkeye: “Days.”
Trapper: “Days.”
Margaret: “You better write this down.”
Hawkeye: “Then you look around, you find the tallest tree and you hang the stuff in an enema bag and you let it lay there for 18 weeks.”
Trapper: “Days.”
Hawkeye: “Days.”

Henry: “Major, dear, you’re drunk.”
Margaret: “Oh I’m not so think as you drunk I am.”

Mary Tyler Moore

Mary: I’m an experienced woman.  I’ve been around.  Well, all right, I might not’ve been around, I’ve been … nearby.

Men of a Certain Age

Owen: There’s a whole …generation of women who – I’m not even on their radar.  I’m just invisible – they just look right through me.
Joe: They probably look halfway through you, and then they have to rest.

The Mentalist

Rigsby asks a question
Jane: Cost ya a dollar.
Rigsby: For what?
Jane: So you pay attention.

Kristina Frye: Don’t you ever get tired of your own cynicism?
Jane: Oh, weary as hell – but what’s the alternative?

Jane (via Karl Kraus): Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself as therapy.

Kristina: I can’t get a clear reading.
Jane: What are you using? Dial-up?

The Middle

Mike: People look to tall people in emergencies. We’re the lighthouses of society.

Monarch of the Glen

Molly: Why don’t you try niche marketing?
Duncan: What’s the point?  She’s only six months old.
M: Who?
D: My niece.

Duncan:  She made toothpicks from the timbers of my heart.

Sharona: I never vote. It only encourages them.

Mrs. Stottlemeyer: No pain, no gain!
Sharona: I have a different motto: No pain, what’s the catch?

Randy (fondly regarding new watch): It never needs batteries.
Sharona: Of course not. It runs on stupidity.

Monk: How ’bout this – you walk by – maybe he’ll tip his hat.
Sharona: He’s not gonna tip his hat.
Monk: Maybe if you sashay.

Monk: I love hats.  I collect them.  I’m a chapeau-ologist.

Leland (about his wife, unconscious after an accident): Yeah, I’ve seen her.  I’ll feel a whole lot better when she can see me.

Monk: You called [the dog] Adrian?
Sharona: It seemed to fit; he’s really nervous and he keeps cleaning himself.

You realize that’s not one hundred percent.
I know. I always keep part of myself blank.  For emergencies.

Monk in Manhattan
Monk: I rode on the subway!
Panhandler (holding out cup): Change?
Monk: Yes, I think I did!

My Boys
Life is a lot like a crafty pitcher. If you can’t hit a curve ball, that’s all he’ll throw at you.

* My Dad Says

What happened to Paula Abdul?  She looks awful!
Dad, that’s Steven Tyler

Adam Savage: I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Adam: It’s not the falling that kills you, it’s the stopping.

Adam: For love, money, and science!

Adam: Is there a patron saint of ballistics gel?

Adam: Jamie puts on the second skin his people have worn for centuries to fight off the desert heat.

All (at various times): Well, there’s your problem.

Jamie: Adam, the police officer says you need to drink more.

Jamie: I always enjoy seeing Adam in pain.

Jamie: (wearing a full-body fire-protection suit with tinted hood) I kinda like it in here, it’s private.

Adam: Remember, don’t try this at home.
Jamie: We’re what you call “experts”.

(Adam gets upset with Jamie and walks away)
Jamie: Adam needs a cookie.

Adam: If I had any dignity, that would have been humiliating.

Adam: (Fake arrow on his head) Coming up, could a ninja snatch an arrow out of the air?
Jamie: Sorry about that, man.
Adam: That’s okay.

Adam: (wearing a pilot’s helmet) Pilot to bombardier, pilot to bombardier, do you read, over?

Tory: He’s gonna die… but it’s gonna look great.

Adam: (holding a floatation barrel) The only thing we’re told we can’t do is burn them, blow them up, or lose them!
Tory: Has he watched the show?

Adam: I wouldn’t say Jamie’s an evil genius.

Jamie: Quack, damn you!

Adam (holds a duck to the camera): Do you have anything to say to the ducks back home?

Adam (sitting on his hovercraft with pizza boxes taped to his arms): I think we may have something here!

Narrator: Denial is a river in Africa.

Adam: Do you actually have moods?
Jamie: No.

Kari: You know, I promised my mom and dad I wouldn’t do anything stupid after I got out of college.  (whispers)  Sorry, Mom.

Adam: When a cameraman gives you a pat on the shoulder it must be really bad.

Jamie: When in doubt, C4.

Adam: So, how are we going to get this mouse to those elephants over there?
Jamie: Slingshot.

Jamie: That’s what we do on Mythbusters. we take large objects and make them into very small objects.

Adam: Am I missing … an eyebrow?

Tory: Holy air cannon, Grantman!
Grant: How long’ve you been waiting to say that?
Tory: All day.

Jamie: Kari, what’s the Mythbusters rule?
Kari: With enough lubrication, we can do anything.

Adam: So what can I call this? A plasma sword? But instead of a limited beam of pure plasma it shoots out soda!

Adam: I predict total annihilation. Not only do I predict it, I want it, and I’m gonna enjoy it.

Jamie: Yet another everyday household item turned deadly.

Jamie: Now you be good or we’re going to make you into coat.

Adam: Danger is my middle name

Adam: That may be one of the most wrongity wrong things we’ve ever done.

Adam: It’s like four minutes of science and then ten minutes of me hurting myself.

Jamie: Jamie wants big boom.

Rob Lee (Narrator): You know a rock band has made it when they get their own private jet. The MythBusters know they’ve made it when they get to destroy their own private jet.

Episode: Boom-lift catapult
Adam: What do you think guys? Is the myth busted?
Kari: Oh, myth totally failed, completely busted, totally completely busted!
Scottie: And Buster, busted. Boomlift, busted.
Jamie: Everything’s busted!
Scottie: And the ground, busted!

Scottie: Let’s egg Adam on until he hurts himself. That’s always fun.

Adam: This is the point of in day, which we come to many times, when we start to go, “What else do we have that’s flammable in the truck?”

Adam: What is this thing made of?  (Drops the bowling ball and it bounces.)
Narrator (AKA Robert Lee): Here comes trouble…
Adam: (Bouncing the bowling ball around) It’s the worlds biggest basketball! (A chunk of the bowling ball falls out) **** (looks at the ball and gasps)
Narrator: And that’s the end of the experiment.
Adam: Well … There’s your problem! (To Jamie who comes in) I did something that I didn’t think was humanly possible.  I broke a big chunk out of our bowling ball.
Jamie: Is it still gonna fire?
Adam: Oh, it’s still gonna fire.  All it needs to be is round and heavy.
Jamie: Well … also umm … you know …. (Looks at the cracked floor)
Adam: (Steps over the cracked floor) Damaging your floors?
Narrator: Adam lives, and Adam learns.

Tory: So does it hurt yet?
Kari: Well it’s not like petting puppies!

Adam: Tub of body latex: $22. Tub of gold pigment: $6.  Watching your friend get naked and covered in gold paint and jogging until he passes out: Priceless.

Jamie: We are either gonna die or we gonna fly.

(for the testing of the myth that cursing helps one tolerate pain better, the victims, er, test subjects had to write down five non-cussing words to use for the first half of the test.  And NOT SWEAR during the test.)
Adam (with hand in bowl of ice water): Puppies – kittens – babies – OH baby hippos – puppies puppies kittens!!

Adam (after a thermite square ignites without warning): Deuteronomy!

Adam: Next on Discovery, the world’s deadliest piñata!

Now and Again

Opening narration: An ordinary man – insurance executive, 45 years old – stumbles to his death on a subway platform in New York City. Or does he? Unbeknownst to his wife or child, his brain is rescued from the accident scene by a secret branch of the United States Government and put into the body of an artificially produced 26-year-old man with the strength of Superman, the speed of Michael Jordan, and the grace of Fred Astaire. The only catch: under penalty of death he can never let anyone from his past know he is still alive. And that, my friends, is a problem… for this man is desperately in love with his wife, his daughter, and his former life.

Once Upon a Time

How’s the book supposed to help?
What do you think stories are for?

Where are we going?
Somewhere horrible.  Absolutely horrible.  A place where the only happy ending will be mine.

Grumpy: Grumpy.
Snow: I’m not grumpy, I’m focused.

The Philanthropist

Friendship, parenthood … like any investment, we expect a return.  Maybe that’s a skewed way to view a relationship, but it’s the truth.

Being generous is the most selfish thing we can do.

He’s trying to bring hope to the village.
Teddy Rist: Hope I can get behind.  It’s the bullets that kind of bother me.


Burton: Not since man first walked on the moon has humanity been so delicately poised on the threshold of a new dawn!
Lester: Does dawn have a threshold, exactly?


Pullo (to Eirene): If both of you were drowning in the river I’d save you first. No question… You’re half his weight.


Fai wa, mei mei.

Which way did he go?

(re stun guns) These don’t work?
Uh – ish.

Though kings and tyrants come and go
A soldier’s life is all I know
I’ll lift a pint another day
Over the hills and far away.

Here’s forty shillings on the drum
For those who’ll volunteer to come
To ‘list and fight the foe today.
Over the hills and far away.

O’er the hills and o’er the main.
Through Flanders, Portugal and Spain.
King George commands and we obey.
Over the hills and far away.

When duty calls me I must go
To stand and face another foe.
But part of me will always stray
Over the hills and far away.

If I should fall to rise no more,
As many comrades did before,
Then ask the fifes and drums to play.
Over the hills and far away.

Then fall in lads behind the drum,
With colours blazing like the sun.
Along the road to come-what may.
Over the hills and far away.

(Traditional – additional lyrics by John Tams)

The Great Game
Watson: Fantastic!
Holmes: Meretricious.
LeStrade: And a happy New Year too.

Star Trek: Deep Space 9
Vash: They weren’t exactly thrilled to see you on Brax, either. What do they call you there? “The God of Lies”?
Q: They meant it affectionately.

West Wing
CJ: The President finds you all annoying – but not prohibitively debilitating.

Jed: Is it possible I’m taking something called euthanasia?
Sam: Echinacea?
Jed: That sounds more like it.

Josh: Donna, I really don’t anticipate the Capitol Building exploding.
Donna: What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?
Now you’re bringing me down.

Bartlet to Ritchie: In the future, if you’re wondering: “Crime. Boy, I just don’t know” was when I decided to kick your ass.

Sam: I could have countered that, but I had already moved on to other things in my mind.

Jed: According to the NOAA, the storm is a non-recurring phenomenon, which is science’s term for “we don’t know what in the world is going on, but we’re stocking up on canned goods”.

Leo: She was a real dame, old friend.  A real broad.
(Jed is staring at the altar)
Jeb: Yeah.
Leo: We’ve got to get back to the office now, sir.
We’ve got some decisions to make now.
Yeah.  Leo, would you do me a favor?
Would you ask the agents to seal the cathedral for a minute?
(Understanding, or thinking he does) Yeah.
(He leaves, and shortly doors close solidly.  Bartlet is still staring at the altar.)
You’re a son of a bitch, you know that? (He begins walking up the long aisle) She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver.  What – is that supposed to be funny? “You can’t conceive, nor can I, of the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God”, says Grahame Greene.  I don’t know whose ass he was kissing there, ’cause I think you’re just vindictive.  What was Josh Lyman, a warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours but praise his glory and praise his name?  There’s a tropical storm that’s gaining speed and power.  They say we haven’t had a storm this bad since you took out that tender ship of mine in the North Atlantic last year – sixty-eight crew? You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn’t  even carry guns. Just goes around, and fixes the other ships, and delivers the mail, that’s all it can do.  Gratias, tibi ago, Domine. Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I’ve committed many sins. (Spreads hands) Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? Three point eight million new jobs, that wasn’t good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, thirty million new acres of land for conservation – put Mendoza on the bench – we’re not fighting a war – – I’ve raised three children.  That’s not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? (Stepping up on to the altar) Haec oredam a deo pio, a deo justo, a deo scuto? Cruciatus in crucem tuas in terra servus. Nutitias fui, officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem. (Turns, walks down, and stops to light a cigarette. He draws on it until he is certain that it’s lit, then drops it to the floor and grinds it out with his foot. Then he turns back to the altar) You get Hoynes.
(He leaves.)

Am I really to believe that these are the acts of a loving God?  A just God?  A wise God?  To hell with your punishments.  I was your servant here on earth.  And I spread your word and did your work.  To hell with your punishments.  To hell with you.
– – Two Cathedrals

Mrs. Landingham: God doesn’t make cars crash and you know it.  Stop using me as an excuse.

Leo: Watch this.
Reporter: Can you tell us right now if you’ll be seeking a second term?
(Bartlet puts his hands in his pockets, looks away… and smiles)

Toby: I tell you what, though, sir – in a battle between a president’s demons and his better angels… for the first time in a long while I think we might just have ourselves a fair fight.

Toby: What, you want to tempt the wrath of whatever from high atop the thing?

White Collar

Nick, men like you and I have an obligation to assault the commonplace every chance we get.

Peter:  Hold your arms up as high as you can.
Mozzi: Is that a short joke?
Peter: It is now.

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

“Hats”: Colin (comes out holding a pumpkin): This is my friend, Gord. (audience barely laughs) No, he’s a great pumpkin. (almost silence) … Aw, screw it.  (audience laughs)

“Weird Newscasters” Colin: Good evening, this is Noah Sheshavingmybaby. (He said it really fast so the audience likely didn’t realize that it was play on “Know her? She’s having my baby”. Drew called attention to the lack of audience response after the game, to hilarious results.)  You know, my stuff…a lot of it’s cerebral.

Colin: I’m your anchor Woodrow Butdonthaveapaddle…

I’m your anchor Ollie Oxenfree … our happy weatherman Sprinkly Days


Colin: I had this fantastic plan to get from him the location of the Maltese Burger.  (turns to Ryan) Where’s the Maltese Burger?

“Scenes from the Hat”: The first thing that Adam said to Eve
Colin (hand on ribs): Ow!

Will and Grace
Karen: You say potato, I say vodka.

Will (on his devotion to The Sound of Music): The last time I was hiking a helicopter flew over and I twirled and twirled till I threw up.


Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space’
“Still, as a storyteller, I’m fascinated how a person’s sense of consciousness can be… so transformed by nothing more magical than listening to words. Mere words.”

Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man
The Cigarette-Smoking Man: Life… is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you’re stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there’s nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there’s a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they’re gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, and if you’re desperate enough to eat those, all you’ve got left is a… is an empty box… filled with useless, brown paper wrappers.

The Civil War

<em>July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington</em>

My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more . . .

I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt . . .

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield it will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . .

But O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again . . .

<em>Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.</em>

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.


From someone’s email signature:

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming — ‘WOW–What a Ride!’
–Bill Rockwell

Election 2008

James Carville: Bring the dogs in, wet the fire, and close the house, it’s over.

Anderson Cooper: The dogs are wet, or whatever.

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